Content note: details of my sex life. If you don’t want to read that, especially if you are, say, related to me– please skip this one.
This post is in direct homage to Jaclyn Friedman’s My Sluthood, Myself. Please go read that, then come back. That discusses more nuanced emotional stuff that is pretty relevant to the “and how the hell did that end up happening?” of this post, but I don’t feel like going into that here. Except to say the DDP authors are a pretty excellent posse.
So. Gloves and sluttery.
I mostly didn’t feel the need to, because I wasn’t sleeping with random people (yes, that’s a touch of residual sex-negativity on my part), and I thought I’d be seen as weird, and I thought it’d be awkward to ask people to use them, etc.
Spoiler alert: I slept with some truly random people (where did I find them?), we used gloves (why?/how do you get somebody to do that?), and I found it to be not at all a big deal, except for the part where it was really hot.
This past weekend I did something I’ve never done. I met up for a hookup from Craigslist Casual Encounters. Holy slut. Worse (better)– it wasn’t one boy. It was two.
I’m recently out of a relationship I thought would be permanent but wasn’t, and even more recently was somewhat humiliatingly rebuffed from a casual relationship that I thought existed rather longer than the other party did. (Seriously, go read the My Sluthood post. I’ll wait.) I posted an ad in Craigslist Casual Encounters; at least I could spend an evening being the one doing the rejecting instead of being rejected for once.
But I actually got some great responses. Great enough to motivate me to actually go through with it.
A MMF (male + male + female) threesome is something I’ve wanted to try, but hadn’t. (It’s like an amazing steal dance, but sex. And awesome.)
So when one of the more promising respondents to my post (we’ll call him “Vlad”) included “Had any other intresting replies?” as a lead-in to inviting me to bring another boy to our initial meetup, I was pretty excited. And I cold propositioned a guy I was also diggin’, we’ll call him “Pretty Eyes,” with, “so how do you feel about two-dude threesomes?”
(How did I pick them? First, I put that I wanted a feminist guy right in the title of my ad. I’ve posted ads before, though not met people, and specifying feminist pretty effectively filters the type of guy who gets knee-jerk angry about “feminists.” 100% of those guys are men who don’t respect women, who I’d never want to fuck. They either don’t respond, or their response is just vitriol and easy to trash. I straight up questioned some of the guys further about it, as in, “so, how do you feel about the ‘feminist’ part of the ad?” Bottom line, I don’t play in bed with boys who don’t genuinely respect women (and, rather critically, women’s rights to advocate for themselves).
Pretty Eyes won ‘best response’ to the further questioning with an acknowledgement of male privilege and “I’ve been a Planned Parenthood clinic escort for 5 years.” I told him later, “never again say that never got you laid.”
And gut feeling is a super important instinct. I got about 146 responses in three days. I rejected many physically impressive men whose language choice gave me a great big “meh” and kept the ones who I thought I might actually want to speak to. Ignoring your gut is bad for your safety. Don’t.)
When it became clear that the threesome was actually going to happen, I decided I should bump up my safer-sex threshold from my usual, to be including gloves, among other tweaks. I wanted black ones. Blue or purple or white just seem too… medical.
In case you don’t know, there are a couple of reasons you’d use gloves:
- Gloves protect hands from fluids and skin from fingernails. Open cuts + body fluids = not good (leaves you vulnerable to blood-borne infections and/or an STI). Hands are prone to having cuts (skinned knuckles, torn cuticles), and also making them.
- Gloves are smoother, less abrasive, than skin or fingernails. Not only less likely to nick skin, but also just feels a lot nicer and makes for easier penetration.
- Gloves are easily taken off inside-out and thrown away! Which means that anything that was on the outside of the glove (cum, butt germs, santorum) is contained in the glove and then goes in the trash.
I emailed the guys to ask if either was allergic to latex, and specifically said I was asking about gloves, in the hopes that it would make it less awkward later for me to pull them out and be like “y’all will be using these.” One can order them online, if one has more than a few hours in which to obtain them. I called several pharmacies, a sex shop, and two tattoo parlors before I found some to buy. Pharmacies don’t have black ones. The sex shop, weirdly, only had elbow-length ones.
The trick is, when the tattoo shop asks you, “What for?” Go ahead and answer: “sex games.” They will not care, will think it’s hilarious, and won’t sell them to you if you won’t tell them why you want them because they don’t want to sell to home tattooers.
And so I went out with a little green makeup bag stuffed with black latex gloves, condoms, lube.
The initial place we’d picked for dinner was full of children and after arriving, we breathed a collective “not sexy,” and walked to a different place. Jointly making that decision was a very smooth process and I was like “good sign, good sign.” Over the course of dinner, I realized I’d probably actually be friends with these dudes, that either of them could probably spend an evening in my friend group and fit right in.
Walking down the street with the pair of them was kind of an incredible experience, despite the fact that nobody knew. (People tend to see what they expect to see, but if anyone had actually paid attention to all of our body language, they might have guessed.) Both were actually more physically attractive than their photos had suggested, a matched set of 6’1, 150lb, graduate-educated athletes1.
It felt like… being flanked by a pair of “tame” cheetahs.
Once we got to the hotel for a ground-rules discussion, I grabbed out my little green bag, sat down on the bed between the guys, and unzipped it to show the contents. I was still worried the gloves thing would be weird, but I said something like, “Everyone will be wearing condoms. There are also gloves, if your fingers are inside me I want you to be wearing one2. There is also lube, use lots3.” (Along with some “yellow means slow down/ease up. Red means stop. Tap out means stop.)
That all falls under “present stuff as if it is totally reasonable and customary and people will react as if it’s totally reasonable and customary.” (and its less helpful corollary “present stuff as if it’s leukemia and people will react as if it’s leukemia.”) So I did my presentation as matter-of-fact as possible. It was not like “will you please do this?” it was “This is what will be occurring.”
Neither of the guys really reacted to the gloves directive very much at all. Or rather, exactly the same as they reacted to being told to wear a condom. That reaction, roughly transcribed: “um, DUH.”
And, as it turns out, the gloves in use are super fucking hot.
Vlad seemed have had more experience with gloves, etc. He showed shades of being a serious kinkster, and the rather sensual way he put them on and took them off seemed to tell a pretty clear story of his enjoyment. Pretty Eyes told me he hadn’t used them before. I hadn’t used them before. But it didn’t take long for the sight of the gloves to elicit a physical reaction in me, and afterwards, Pretty Eyes explicitly told me that he was getting hard just putting them on, or seeing them on me.
Because it doesn’t take long for your brain to go, “oh look, the gloves again. SEXY STUFF GONNA BE HAPPENIN’, AW YEAH!”
I shall leave the rest of the evening to the reader’s imagination. (and my internal replay, for all time.)
But I wanted to share how I lost a prejudice, something that’s going to mean I’ll be taking better precautions for my health going forward. And my amazement at how it did not diminish, but added to my pleasure.
Finally, I feel like this should go without saying, because I’m happy enough to write a post about it, but I feel great about this experience. I basically could not have imagined it going better. It was sexy as hell, I felt respected and intensely desired, there was zero drama, and I do not regret the decision at all.
Epilogue: The guys are gonna send a thank-you note to the tattoo shop where I was finally able to buy the black gloves. Pretty Eyes already bought a nice, formal card. 🙂
1Same height to the inch and weight to the pound? Really? Yeah, it was slightly ridiculous. They were the same height and within less than 5lbs of weight.
2You also need to change gloves if you change holes or partners (including yourself). Including, if you have a dick and you play with it, you need to change gloves before you touch somebody else’s junk again.
3Seriously, use lots. We used a little over half of a 2.5 oz bottle that night, what with all the everything, and all the latex going around and being changed so many times, and also lube makes everything feel better.