It makes me happy that our blog is becoming known for, at the end of our rants, including concrete steps for supporting each others’ learning, or otherwise making the situation better. I first saw this practice over at Danny’s blog, which is awesome and you should read it. But I think it belongs in more than just writing. Personal relationships can benefit from it too.
Yay for asking for what you need!
My sweetie and I have started asking each other this in our everyday interactions. It’s really nice; even just hearing the words makes me feel supported. Until recently I was dating someone with whom I had a very stereotypical gendered dynamic: I would want to talk about something problematic that had happened in my day, and he would respond immediately with drastic suggestions (e.g. “you clearly hate your job, you should quit.”) Then when I pushed back he felt like I was rejecting him because I rejected his suggestion. And I felt like he didn’t respect my ability to make my own decisions. Entire publishing industries have been built on this dynamic. More have been built on “what is he/she thinking?” But really, the only way to know is to ask. “How can I support you” is the antidote to mansplaining.
“How can I support you” actively reminds me of my agency. Sometimes I haven’t thought about what I actually want, and it’s helpful to be reminded to do so. Sometimes what I want is just a listener. Sometimes it’s to be told I am a good person. Sometimes it’s a backrub or a bike ride. Rarely, it’s “I’d like you to look at this issue through the lens of your particular expertise and give me suggestions,” even though this is our cultural default assumption. Its uncommon to ask for something the other person can’t give, unless it’s time. And you can counter-negotiate too, especially with time. “Right now isn’t a good time for me to give you my undivided attention, can we schedule something for later this week?”
I have another friend whose husband died recently after a long and debilitating illness, leaving her a widow under age 30. She gets unsolicited advice from EVERYONE. People who really can’t imagine what she’s going through. The advice is mostly related to getting a job (she was his uncompensated caretaker for most of his illness) and managing her grieving process faster. She’s got some genuinely awful stuff going on, and there isn’t actually anything her friends can do to fix it. A few of us clued into the idea that the best thing we can do is just keep asking “how can we support you?” She has the even harder job of asking for money. I worry that the path she is choosing is not a quick one back to self-sufficiency and happiness, but I can’t magically fix it for her, because it wouldn’t be HER life. “How can I support you” reminds me of that.
What’s your preferred way to offer or receive support?
I was talking to Skylar about a situation that was bumming me out a few weeks ago. And he did exactly this, was asking me if I wanted advice, or listening, or nice words. I particularly remember him saying “I can get more affirmationy if you need it!”
It was the best thing I’d heard in months. Not only the concrete things he said, but the offer of “What would sooth your emotional needs right now? I will do whatever that is.”
: )
I love this! I fully intend to implement this with the husband, and I will tell him this will help me, too.
I love this!! I started doing this when I realized my preferred way of supporting someone was not the way my girlfriend wanted to be supported. I like affirmations, she wants someone to hug her and agree that everything sucks right now. Thankfully, she was quick to correct me.
I’ve taken to doing it with other people in my life as well! It’s awesome.
My husband believes he’s being supportive when he pays me the compliment of believing that I can take care of myself and handle my own problems. While I understand how he sees this, it would still be nice now and then to hear him take a more proactive stance on being supportive.
You should tell your husband how you want to feel supported and what comforts you. Don’t expect him to be a mind-reader.
This is a great reminder to do this way, way more often! And fantastic to hear a few people that have found really positive effects from implementing it in their interactions! yay!
I love this a million. It’s such a classic problem that I’ve had with lovers, parents, friends, everyone. And you’ve highlighted that the solution, while not always easy, is actually really simple.
I learned these skills from interacting with my partner and I’m so grateful to be able to apply them to all my interpersonal relationships! Not only does this script respect the other person’s emotions and agency more but it also allows the supporter to be aware of their own emotional state and needs when interacting and supporting others and making sure they’re not trying to meet other’s needs at the expense of their own.
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