I keep starting this and stopping three lines in.
Trying different titles, going down different paths.
Vulnerability, depression, strength, what it means to be human.
Every time I stop, because nothing feels right. Nothing feels good enough. Nothing feels perfect.
And that’s ironic, because really what I am trying to say is: Fuck perfect.
Perfect is a lie that we tell ourselves. Perfect is a mask that we hide behind. Perfect is a desperate attempt to find control within a vast and unpredictable universe.
But the truth is, you can be as perfect as you possibly can – you can get all A’s and get the perfect job and cook local organic vegetarian food and do yoga every single day and strive towards that unattainable cellulite-free ass – and the people you love will still get hurt. You will still get hurt.
We are human. We are boundless capacity for love and connection wrapped up in breakable bodies that come with unknowable expiration dates.
Yeah, it’s gonna hurt.
I am a self-confessed perfection addict. I crave it. I chase it, wearing myself into the ground in pursuit of something that I can never quite reach. The thought of making a mistake, of messing up, fills me with a creeping dread that I feel as a clench in my stomach, a shudder along my spine. It makes me physically ill.
This addiction has served me well in the systems that measured my worth growing up. It has earned me gold stars and high marks and even scholarships. It has landed me jobs and helped me keep them. It has honed the skills I have that are useful to other people, honed them fine and sharp and strong.
It has also paralyzed me and held me back from trying new things. It has silenced my voice almost every time I have tried to write. It has strangled me with my own anxiety, as I lie awake staring into the darkness and repeating an endless looping litany of every task I will have to perform.
And it has never, ever kept me safe.
You are not perfect. You are still worthy of love and belonging.
It’s okay to break and be broken. In fact, I suspect it’s necessary – or at the very least inevitable.
It’s okay to be hurt, to be weak, to fail and to fall down.
And it’s okay to blaze with joy and drown in delight.
It’s okay to let go and lose yourself – in grief or in beauty, in search of a truth of in search of a breath that comes just a little easier. You’ll find yourself again, I promise.
We’ll be here waiting for you when you come back.
I really, really like this article and the concept is something I’m taking to heart as I’m trying to keep “making stuff”, myself. Thank you!
One qualm I have and I feel stupid saying this here, but… in light of yesterday’s World Suicide Prevention Day, that first photo’s appearance of someone falling to her death doesn’t feel right here. Tripping and falling on your face is different from plummeting to the ground from the sky, you know? Am I nuts?
Interesting, I wouldn’t have seen it that way but I can see where you’re coming from. Although I also have aerospace engineer privilege and can recognize it as a clumsy landing at a safe speed (taking some liberties with aerodynamics and unassisted human flight obviously) and not a terminal plummet.
I can definitely see where you’re coming from, but I don’t see that photo as someone falling to her death at all. To me it has the same surreal symbolic quality of the last photo, and while it definitely evoked ‘things fall apart,’ to me it did so more at the level of ‘falling on your face’ than ‘plummeting from the heights.’
I’m glad I wasn’t totally stretching w/my interpretation, but I’m happier for yours!
Beautiful!
YES
Reblogged this on your passport to complaining and commented:
Perfect is not only the enemy of good, but it can be a major impediment to even just being okay. This blog post, from the ever clever DDP crew, deconstructs the perils of perfectionism.
Reblogged this on Wearin sassy pants! and commented:
Beautiful. Important. Not Perfect. Which is, of course perfect.
Though I suspect you’re already familiar, for anyone who isn’t – go watch Brene Brown’s TED Talk on vulnerability, and then read The Gifts of Imperfection. I’m currently reading her newer book, Daring Greatly; her work has been life changing for me.
I loved Brene Brown’s TED talk, and it was a huge inspiration to me in writing this post. I didn’t realize she had a book, I will definitely look for it!
Truly beautiful! I too thought the one picture of the fall was more falling on her face. Haven’t we all!
My uncle is fond of saying, with regard to essays, papers, and the like, “sometimes done is better than perfect.” I further believe that “sane and self-accepting” is always better than perfect.
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