Content note: discussion of abusive relationships
What do you do with a friend who’s dealing with abuse? In my case, my loving and wonderful friends all tell me, “You have to walk away,” “He’s an asshole,” “You’re not doing anything wrong until you ignore what he’s doing to you,” etc.
In other words, they all want me to do what *they* think is right. They all – out of nothing but love – are trying to guilt me into leaving. Telling me I’m stupid for staying. Basically perpetuating the same emotionally abusive actions they want me to get away from in him.
To be fair, I don’t have to worry about the threat of violence from any of them. I don’t have to be scared that the next thing I say will set off a screaming and insult barrage of how I deserve it and how I’m evil and how he hopes I’ll die. I don’t have to shrink, hoping he won’t carry out his threat to shove me and my already sprained ankle off my bike.
Writing these words, I begin to understand where they’re coming from. I haven’t wanted, still don’t want, to see it, accept it, believe this is reality and I have to walk away. I want another answer, one where the man I love who also adds so much positivity to my life can remain in my life. But typing those words it becomes more black and white, and I can start to see what they’ve known all along.
But I wish – I wish there was a kinder way to show me. So I write this to ask you to show that kindness when you encounter a friend floundering in this same situation. To be supportive and show him or her the love they need and provide them a safer outlet than the abuser, instead of more guilt and insults, no matter how well intentioned.
I love my friends and I know they mean well – but they don’t understand what this is like. They don’t understand how lost I am. They don’t understand how he’s in my head, how I’m entrapped by his version of events, how he tells me I’m evil and how I fucked up and how I feel guilty that I must have done something wrong, otherwise why is he so angry at me? Nobody’s perfect, right, everybody fucks up, I must’ve contributed to the fight somehow, everything was so perfect until I said that thing….
But it wasn’t. And the best thing my friends can do is not tell me how I’m fucking up by staying, not lecture me over how I need to go to the police to protect the next girl, not beat me down *more* – but encourage me to leave, stress how important it is – but also that they understand how hard it is. That this is not my fault and staying still doesn’t make it my fault. Please be kind to that girl or boy when you find him/her in your life. That kindness is probably the one thing that will allow them to find strength again – and with that, the ability to actually walk away.
Resources
Help her recognize that this IS abuse – Signs of an abusive relationship:
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
Love her like the author of this letter – be there no matter what:
https://disruptingdinnerparties.com/2013/05/31/open-letter-to-a-loved-one-in-an-abusive-relationship/
Some ways to help:
http://www.loveisrespect.org/get-help/help-others/help-a-friend
This is a good post. I need to be a better friend in situations like this. Thank you so much for writing it!
this reminds me of what I went through with a previous relationship…it was incredibly hard to leave and it took me forever to come to terms with the fact that I did need to leave then longer to actually have the strength to do it. Having that support network that recognizes how difficult that is is so important. Thank you for writing, and stay strong. you’re stronger than you think you are and you need to do what is best for you, whatever that may be right now.
Hard to know what to say in that situation, thank you for writing about it. If I find myself in that conversation, I’ll lean towards “You deserve to feel safe” instead of negative-based admonitions.
Thank you so much for sharing this. In a strange way, I think it’s pervasive in our society to put people down when we’re trying to uplift someone – to say they’re being stupid when we’re trying to protect them. It’s hard to remember that this is just as abusive and painful as the situation they’re already in. Thanks so much for remind us how to be loving friends and family members.
Thank you for writing this and sharing something so incredibly personal and intimate with us. Next time I’m in a discussion with someone I love who’s in an unhealthy relationship, I’ll think back to this post so I can frame the words I speak in a loving, encouraging manner.