Category Archives: Communication

Intentional Sex: When saying yes is only the beginning

06 Tuesday Oct 2015

Posted by in Communication, Relationships, Sexuality

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You know how the story goes. Two characters have a something, the heat in their eyes when they look at each other, the occasional flick of the gaze toward the other’s mouth. Eventually, they give into their desires and fall in bed together, and we get the movie’s climactic sex scene.

Note that the characters don’t really talk before or during the sex scene. They just exchange a heated look and they know the time has finally come for sex.

Contrast this typical sex scene from movies, TV shows, books, video games, etc., to the passage below, from the short story “Make Tonight a Show” by Rose Serrano*:

“Simon,” she says, very seriously. “You might not be interested in the kind of things I want.”

“What, like Fifty Shades type stuff?” He tries for a laugh; she catches his eyes and pins him with her gaze. He drops his voice and leans in. “Look, I’m kinky.” He’s probably a lot kinkier than her, to be honest. “I’m almost definitely into whatever you’re into.”

She matches him beat for beat, mimicking his posture until she’s in his personal space, her lips just inches away from his. “I’m almost definitely into being on top.”

“Well, I’m almost definitely into being hurt,” he whispers, and closes the gap. It’s a light kiss, nearly chaste, but Leila grabs his hand and digs her nails in – yeah, just as good as he imagined, better than any kiss could be.

What’s the difference? Continue reading →

Walking the Walk

08 Tuesday Sep 2015

Posted by in Communication, Disability, Human Rights, Privilege

≈ 2 Comments

I’m on the diversity committee at work and am basically a walking diversity yelling machine outside of work too, so I take keeping my own mind open (and my cultural humility robust) very seriously.

It’s relatively easy for me to work on certain prejudices I have within the context of the social justice movements I’m involved in–race, sexuality, size, gender, class, etc…these are commonly discussed, and I am constantly engaging with people from these communities. However, there is one noticeably absent group of people in my social justice world: people with cognitive disabilities.

Superman figure standing next to a megaphone with text “You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?”

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Lessons Learned from a Diabetes Prevention Class

30 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by in Communication, Education, Humor

≈ 2 Comments

I teach a class (part of a year-long program) that’s a combination info-session and support group for people trying to reduce their risk of developing diabetes. It’s been an interesting experience trying to inject feminism into this class without straying from the curriculum or alienating my participants, but I try!

via https://i0.wp.com/www.mymichaelsplace.net/userfiles/image258_lg.jpg

This is exactly what we look like every class.

Interestingly enough, I’m learning some things from my participants that I don’t encounter often, if at all, in the online feminist communities I’m a part of. My participants are generally local, generally Vermont-born, and mostly women between 40 and 80.

Here are a few of my favorite new pieces of wisdom:

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“Tone policing” (and what to do instead)

05 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by in Communication

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“Tone policing” is one of those phrases feminists throw around in the hopes that you’ll google it yourself if you haven’t heard of it before. Much has been written about what it is and why it’s busted, all easily accessible at your fingertips thanks to the glories of the internet.

cat at a computer

Glories of the internet include:  1) googling “tone policing”  2) pictures of cats on the internet looking at pictures of cats

Essentially, “tone policing” or the “tone argument” is the practice of responding to an argument by focusing on the way it was said, instead of the actual issue it addresses. Often, it derails the whole conversation, distracting from something that was usually pretty important.

Lucreta identifies two types of tone policing: “I agree with you, but I think you could have phrased it better,” and “I would agree with you if you phrased it better.”

Let’s talk about how these two are different, and what you can do instead:

“I would agree with you if you’d phrased it better” Continue reading →

Consent and Context

27 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by in Communication, Rape Culture, Relationships

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There have been numerous posts about the issue of consent on DDP. This is not surprising given how horrifyingly common sexual assault is and how pervasive rape culture can be. Hopefully by now many people have been exposed to the idea of positive consent: it’s not enough to just stop if you hear a “no,” it’s also necessary to check in and receive a clear, preferably verbal “yes.” However, being committed to a culture of consent requires another responsibility: recognizing the implicit power dynamics that are present in all relationships.

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How to be a good cis lover to your trans partner

23 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by in Communication, Dating, Relationships, Sex Ed, Trans

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This post contains text below the jump that may not be safe for work.

For the most part, dating a transgender person is no different from dating a cisgender person (someone who identifies with the gender assigned to them at birth). But if you are a cis person dating a trans person, there are some things you should keep in mind that may not have come up in your previous relationships with other cis people.

I am a polyamorous queer cisgender woman, and nearly half of all the lovers I’ve had have been transgender. I take this as a compliment: like everyone I make mistakes, but I figure I’m doing something right if so many trans* people have chosen to welcome me into their hearts. Keeping in mind that I’ve by no means covered every topic, here’s what I’ve learned about being a good cis partner to trans people I date.

1. Recognize that your partner’s identity may change over time

This is important to keep in mind even if you’re dating a cis person, because anyone can discover something new about their gender identity. I’m dating a cis woman whose partner of nearly a year identified as a cis man for most of their relationship. Recently, though, they have started to identify as transgender. My girlfriend has struggled to adapt – in fact, I have been more consistent about her partner’s preferred gender-neutral pronouns than she has, because I met them after they came out as trans, while my girlfriend has known them as male for the majority of their relationship. But respecting your partner’s changing identity is key to maintaining a healthy relationship, and my girlfriend has been learning to embrace her partner’s feminine identity as it develops alongside their masculine identity.

2. Correct people who misgender your partner

I run into this issue a lot, because my partner uses they/their/them pronouns, and many people are not familiar with using the singular they as a gender-neutral pronoun for people they know. It can be awkward sometimes. I talk about my partner with the correct pronouns, but most everyone knows I’m queer and automatically uses “she” to refer to them because they think I only date female-identified people. Sometimes this happens with people I’ve only just met. Even so, no matter how awkward I feel, I always step up and tell people to use the correct pronouns to talk about them. If it’s awkward for me, I imagine how much worse it is for my partner to have to correct people about themself. As someone with the protection of cisgender privilege, it is my responsibility to help my partner be respected as the gender they are.

"So your boyfriend is physically female... doesn't that make you straight?"

Comic by Bill Roundy

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NO- Part IV- Stud Shaming

18 Friday Jul 2014

Posted by in Communication, Empowerment, Gender Roles, Harassment, Rape Culture

≈ 5 Comments

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Disrupting Dinner Parties is intended as a space where discussion, even disagreement, lead to a fuller understanding of issues. Like all our posts, this article represents the opinion of its author, not of “DDP” as a monolithic entity. In fact, this post generated heated discussion among the editors, which you can see in the comments section at the bottom of the page.

Long ago, when I first started dancing, my local scene was full of non-consensual touch*. Friends told me terrible stories of how they had been groped, grinded, ass-smacked, neck-nuzzled, or even licked non-consensually on the dance floor. I was shocked, but believed wholeheartedly. I had seen a fair share of these behaviors with my own two eyes; however, from outside the dance-partnership, I had no way of knowing whether it was consensual or not.

groping dancing

I can’t tell if she’s ok with that…

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&^(*$#% OUCH!: Or, on complaining about periods.

30 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by in Body Image, Communication, Gender, Gender Roles

≈ 10 Comments

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Here’s a question: why the fuck can’t I complain about my period to anyone and everyone? In the filing cabinet of the subtle ways in which sexism shapes our lives, I feel the unofficial ban on talking about your period deserves a folder. Women do talk about their periods, of course; but it seems to me that this only happens with freedom and nonchalance when in the company of exclusively other women. Or at least this has been my experience ever since I first got my period, at the ripe age of 16; every time I mentioned it in front of other people, my sister – always the guardian of what is appropriate and polite – would shoot me a look and sometimes even growl silently at me through her teeth. To this day, when I whine about it on facebook, she leaves messages to the extent of “what am I going to do with you?”

But of course, there is no reason why we ought not to talk about our periods. They can play a major role in our day when they are at their height, especially when they are painful or otherwise inconvenient. Yet for some reason we are supposed to remain discreet about them in certain company; you’re not supposed to mention to anyone other than a relatively good friend that you are having awful cramps, for example – yet such rules do not apply to other comparable debilitations, such as headaches. Indeed, it feels sometimes as though we are supposed to pattern our behavior during our menstrual cycles on the lighthearted and “feminine” packaging of tampons and pads – nothing but sunshine and flowers here!, don’t worry!

Because YES, beautiful flowers is totally what comes to mind when I contemplate my period.

Because YES, beautiful flowers is totally what comes to mind when I contemplate my period.

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Words that move me

06 Friday Jun 2014

Posted by in Communication, Empowerment

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The written and spoken word are the essence of power. This week, I have been especially inspired by the awe-some and complex worlds that artists of the word have created. I do not want to talk about why the word is amazing or how beautiful, wrenching or clarifying it is; I believe that to be self-evident. I also need not go on about how such texts should be read on the daily, in order to return to us our humanity and point of perspective. Instead I humbly put forth three poems, by three master women poets, which have moved me. They are “It was not Death, for I stood up” by Emily Dickinson, “Mock Orange” by Louise Gluck, and “Still I Rise” by Maya Angelou. I encourage you to take this Friday to reflect. Read the poems once, or twice or read one of the poems five times. I hope they inspire you as much as they have me. If you know of any more poems that should be read, please feel free to add them. Without further ado…

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Feminist Bro Colonialism

23 Friday May 2014

Posted by in Communication, Media, Pop Culture, Privilege

≈ 14 Comments

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Bros.

By Jeph Jacques of Questionable Content

By Jeph Jacques of Questionable Content

It may be an understatement that white cis-hetero bros, en masse, haven’t always been the best allies of feminism. So when this comic from College Humor (also not particularly a bastion of social justice advocacy) started showing up EVERYWHERE on my dash I was…cautious. Continue reading →