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Disrupting Dinner Parties

~ Feminism is for everyone!

Disrupting Dinner Parties

Tag Archives: Got Consent?

Got Consent? V: Responsibility

08 Tuesday Oct 2013

Posted by M. Lunas in Communication, Kink, Rape Culture

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

BDSM, consent, consent culture, Got Consent?, like a grownup!, mistakes, responsibility

got consent?

Part I * Part II * Part III * Part IV * Part V

Hey, it’s been a while since I last wrote about consent+kink on this blog! I’ve been thinking and talking a lot about it though, and here’s where I’ve come out. This post follows the four others linked to above, but also stands quite well on its own.

Go to any BDSM conference or event, and you’ll find lots of workshops on concrete, observable, and often flashy technical skills. Like how to do particular rope bondage techniques, how to use electrical devices in play, how to use a cane, how to do fire play, etc. You’ll probably also workshops on more mental things like planning a ‘scene,’ issues in age-play, on humiliation, etc. These are the sort of things that are accorded social status in kink circles.

But you know what you won’t find much of? How to own your own mistakes. How to mess up, take responsibility, and restore trust. How to better avoid violating consent, and what to do if or when it happens. How to hold each other accountable for our actions. These are the tools we aren’t teaching.  And yet, in a community where one-third of all participants have experienced a consent violation, these are the tools we need most badly.

After a lot of writing and thinking and many hours of conversations over the summer,* I’ve come the the conclusion that fighting rape culture in BDSM communities requires changing how we communicate about mistakes. Yes, better discussions around errors won’t end abuse. But they are essential to removing the Social License to Operate that predators too often enjoy. Because when we normalize responsible practices and lower the cost of vulnerability, we then expose the behavior of abusers as aberrant, so they can no longer hide. And that’s how things start to change.

Continue reading →

Got Consent? IV: Safer Play Parties

20 Monday May 2013

Posted by M. Lunas in Events, Kink, Rape Culture

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

BDSM, best practice, consent, Event Review, Got Consent?, play parties, sex-positivity

got consent?

Part I * Part II * Part III * Part IV * Part V

This is the fourth post in a series on abuse in BDSM communities. While topically linked, each post does stand on its own. Please refer to our glossary for definitions of a number of key BDSM terms. 

As I have been writing about, kink communities have a lot of problems with abuse, and a culture that has mirrored, rather than rejected, mainstream rape culture. So what can we do? Making kink communities safer starts, in part, with making our spaces safer. Over the years of attending and hosting parties, and talking with other consent activists and friends, I’ve developed a number of theories about how to make play parties better and safer. So last week, I decided to put all those ideas into practice in a very intentional way when my group house threw a play party. In this post, I’m going to talk about what we did, why we did it, how it turned out, and what we want to do differently next time.

I think there are lessons from this post are applicable to people who aren’t kinksters, too! Lots of spaces have problem with boundary violations. Dance scenes, for example. And while many details differ, I think some of techniques may be applicable (such as posting rules on the wall, and clearly designating support people).

Continue reading →

Got Consent? III: FetLife Doesn’t Get It

08 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by M. Lunas in Kink, Rape Culture

≈ 41 Comments

Tags

Activism, BDSM, consent, fetlife, Got Consent?, Hacking, Technology, Transparency

got consent?

Part I * Part II * Part III * Part IV * Part V

Content Note : This series discuses rape and rape culture in kink communities.  This is the third post in a series on abuse in BDSM communities. While topically linked, each post does stand on its own. Perhaps especially this one. Please refer to our glossary for definitions of a number of key BDSM terms. 

This post is all about FetLife.com, aka Facebook for kinky people, and how and why it stands against efforts to address safety and abuse in BDSM communities. The story of FetLife’s lack of respect of consent, privacy, and personal autonomy is an important one for all kinky people to know. But it also represents a fascinating case study for anyone interested in privacy, transparency, and rape culture on the Internet. However, while there are many articles talking about various parts of this problem, these discussions have been scattered and often assume a lot of prior knowledge. Moreover, the common threads of FetLife’s various problematic policies haven’t always been explicit. So in this post I’ve tried to weave these disperate threads together into one (obsessively hyperlinked) article. I will also level some new accusations at FetLife that, as far as I know, have not been voiced before.

Continue reading →

Got Consent? II: Safewording Abuse

15 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by M. Lunas in Kink, Rape Culture

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

Activism, BDSM, Got Consent?, sex-positivity

got consent?

Part I * Part II * Part III * Part IV * Part V

Content Note: This post focuses on rape and rape culture, especially in kink communities. Please refer to our glossary for definitions of a number of key BDSM terms.

Last week, I began this series by describing my own history and love affair with kink and enthusiastic consent. As I wrote–and I’m sure I’ll talk about again–BDSM communities have developed numerous elaborate tools for negotiating boundaries and consent–tools that have gone on to influence more mainstream perpectives on consent as well. It is also true that the community is full of radical allies who care deeply about consent and do their best to honor it. So this is awesome! But it can create a false sense of security, and blind us to the reality that BDSM communities actually have a big problem.

[Edit: For those who have been following debates on abuse in the kink scene over the last 18 months, some of this post may be review, but I hope you’ll find some new material; we’ll dive into original material in earnest in the next parts. For everyone else, I hope it is eye opening—but not paralyzing, for there is much work to be done.]

Evidence of a Crisis

In January 2013, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), a legal advocacy organization for kinky and/or ethically non-monogamous people, released a survey about consent in BDSM communities.  At the very end of they summary of findings, NCSF writes:

Additionally, 30.1% of respondents indicated that they had a pre-negotiated limit violated and 14.9% had experienced having a safe word or safe sign ignored. The aggregate total is 33%: 1 in 3 kinky people have experienced a consent violation, further emphasizing the need for greater education.

33%. That’s dramatically higher than the already-way-too-high rate of sexual assault in America (20%).

Susan Wright from NCSF says the results indicate “there is still confusion between consensual BDSM and assault.”

Wait, what?

Continue reading →

Got Consent? I: Saying Yes to Kink

07 Thursday Mar 2013

Posted by M. Lunas in Kink, Rape Culture

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

BDSM, Got Consent?, personal histories, sex-positivity, yes means yes

[Content Note: Throughout this series, I’ll be talking about rape and rape culture. This introductory post will discuss these topics in much less detail, though.]

“You’re going to write for a feminist blog? But you’re a MAN! How are YOU a feminist? What sort of feminist are you?”

So said my Mother a few days before Christmas, when I told her about the plans for what was to become Disrupting Dinner Parties.

“Of course I’m a feminist! Feminism is for everyone! As for what sort of feminist I am, well, that’s a very good question indeed.”

To help further the conversation, on Christmas I gave my Mom a copy of “Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and World Without Rape.” We’ll come back to that in a moment.

…

From the moment I was asked to write for this blog, I had a topic I knew I wanted to write about. A topic that I given a lot of thought to, and about which I have all the feelings.

I want to talk about consent and abuse in BDSM communities. Because that’s not complicated or anything, right?

Continue reading →

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