Last week we talked about what a “model of consent” is and what a few models were. Today is about consent under the “yes means yes” model.
Consent is being in agreement that what is going on is good/ desirable/ fun/ sexy and should keep happening. You need to have your partner’s consent for sexual activity, or it is sexual assault/ rape.
Consent is a state, like trust. or paying attention. And it’s between your partner’s ears.
Affirmative consent is when you know that you have consent, because there are concrete things your partner has done that tell you so. Putting a condom on your dick and climbing on top of you, for instance. Or using their words to say, “I kinda want to fuck you again.” (while the afternoon light streams in the kitchen windows….) Knowing that your partner wants you, as opposed to basically guessing, makes for hands down better sex.
The consent that I’m referring to in this post is an ethical/moral/be-a-decent-human-being term, not a legal term. Most people, I think, are basically decent and kind and want to do the right thing, but I also think a lot of us grew up with some really fucked up information and ideas about sex. Like that it should “just happen” and you should not plan for it or talk about it.
What does consent look like? How do you communicate your consent, as well as your boundaries? How can you know that you have your partner’s consent, and where the boundaries of that consent lie?